Thursday, September 15, 2005

The Diner Party Lists

I had a running gag the last place I worked with a co-worker. A song would come on the radio, or we would here a news flash, and I would say in an exaspirated voice, thats it so and so has made my list. This list was ever expanding, and gained a new member almost daily. But, today in the interest of fair and balanced jouurnalism, I decided to add a little ying to my ever growing yang.
Here are my infinately expandable list of people I would either shun, or share a drink with at the worlds largest diner party.

  • People to Shun:
  • Dick Cheney......not only does he seem like a vile human being, but that gut frightens me like no other.
  • Simon Cowell......tight shirts and man boobs, nuf said.
  • Brittany Spears......a fear thing again, I suspect the closer she is to you the nastier she gets, that and well what would you talk to her about.
  • Jessica Simpson......staying with the pop princesses, she is as cute as a button, but God if she began to sing she would clear the whole room. Better not to provoke her.
  • Karl Rove......this depends, if he is friendly drunk, what a guy to have on your side, if however you see him talking to the nieghbour whom you have been feuding with for years, run.
  • Paul Martin......I assume he would be like talking to a grade ten chemistry teacher who stutters, just the impression I get.
  • Michael Jackson......I was a young boy once, add to that the fact that I have even less desire to see him close up then miss Brittany.
  • Tom Cruise......all the acting skills of a young William Shatner, but none of the charisma, and whats with the whole Scientology thing, I mean really.
  • Condi Rice......remember in the 80's when Michael and Janet Jackson were rumoured to be the same person, I believe Condi and Mike Tyson are the same people. She will eat your children.
  • Stephen Harper......ever had bad day and screamed at the bank machine, well the reponse you would recieve would be the same.

The list is ever expanding, and will be updated regularly, but it is not healthy to focus to much energy on the negiative, so at the same party.....

  • People I'd Share a Drink With:
  • Karl Rove......the first person to have made both lists, if you can beat you feuding neighbour to the bar you are in like Flynn.
  • Bill Clinton......Bill was the Man in the late 90's, just imagine the stories he could tell once you loosened him up with a few drinks.
  • George Bush......ever question your own intellect, Georgie would definately be an ego boost, that and I am sure he would love a drink.
  • Kurt Vonnegut......with the deaths of Hunter S. Thompson, and William S. Bourroughs, there just aren't many crotchity old men of literature left.
  • The Dalai Lama......not sure if he drinks, but if there is one person in the world who constantly puts a smile on my face its that guy.
  • Fidel Castro......anybody that stands up to the man like he has for so long makes my list.
  • Nelson Mandela......a real hero.
  • Bill Gates......the world's richest geek, get him drunk, shake him upside down, collect what falls out of his pockets, live happily ever after.
  • Tony Blair......just to ask "What were you thinking man?"
  • Colin Farrell......Bill Clinton and I wanna know where are the ladies at.
  • Uma Thurman......the name Uma falls from my lips like a light spring breeze.....
  • Salma Hayek......the most stunning creature on the planet, made even the monobrow sexy in Frida

I could go on and on and I will, because the world is full of nutjobs and heros, and I am detrimined to shun or drink with any and all of them.


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